Because there's so łittle I can do, I've really thought a lot about a person's contribution to life. One of the perks of knowing how sick you are and will become is having the ability to think a a lot about important life topics.
I've thought a lot about human contributions, especially important people who have worked hard and made a difference in many people's lives like justice Scalia. And what about people who only appear to make a difference in one person's life or no one's life? What makes a difference in someone's life? Most of us only exert influence over a few family members. We don't write classic books that influence for hundreds of years like Homer or Julius Caeser.
For the most part, a person's influence is fleeting and limited, the things they make, the work they do, has a very limited time line here - like us.
During different times of my life, when young friends or family, have died from disease or in accidents, and throughout my life, I have often asked myself if I'd be happy if my life ended now...have I done everything I've wanted the way I've wanted, or am I wasting time and bumping into walls?
I wanted to homeschool - even though it was expensive and time consuming I really loved it and learned a lot. I can say that about the art books, art teaching, painting, cross stitch, embroidery, gardening, crafting, cooking - all of it!
I can't talk very well, or walk, I can't sew at all or write, paint or draw but I'm finding that these for me are not lasting influences. The little bit of influence I've had or will have is limited to family members and the time I've spent with them. I'm rich with memories! I know a little part of me, and anyone who've influenced me, will be in the kids, same with Bob.
I really really don't want anyone's last memory of me to be like I am now. Most of you know I am very religious and I believe in God and an after life.This has really been a great help to me recently. As I search and think, I realize that much of our influence during our life is limited to things here, bodies, minds, our hobbies; and they will also turn to the same dust I will.
I have a very rare neurological disease- you can't get it from me, even though it will eventually affect all of my motor skills. I don't feel like I'm being punished or suffering for no reason. I believe in the Catholic doctrine on the last four things. I feel loved. I have an awesome husband, family and friends. The only regret I have is regretting not influencing my Grandkids throughout their lives! Meaning not control them-just to be clear! More later!
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